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Hey everyone!
I hope you're all enjoying the first hints of fall as much as I am. There is pumpkin stuff everywhere, and I find myself geeking out in spite of the fact that I live in Florida and the weather has barely changed. Well, there's a slight breeze now, so that's something.
This time of the year is when I really start to "check" myself. All the moms I follow on Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest seem to have it all together. They've already decorated for fall, their meal preps are on point, their kids' fall clothes are gorgeous and perfectly coordinated. I can't even get Vale to change her dress. She'll stand naked by the washing machine waiting for the flavor of the month to be cleaned (in her rain boots -- another thing she won't take off). I digress...
Women do this a lot: we compare, nitpick, and we tend to identify ourselves as either mothers, or non-mothers.
Why the heck do we do that? I'm no psychologist, but I think it's because motherhood is such a defining moment in our lives. It really does change so much about a woman, and it's a major struggle, once we have children, to find ourselves again. This is true, especially, in the first year. The first three months we're a walking meal source and the last nine months we're so busy watching out for milestones that we forget there is a whole world happening outside of our kids.
A lot of women talk about motherhood and a loss of identity. I don't feel that way now, and I don't think it was an overwhelming feeling for me at any point during this journey. I was just obsessed with my kid and didn't think anything of it; however, when Vale was about 1.5 years old I remember realizing that I had more time. I remember feeling like I could get dolled up and go out one night without guilt. I didn't realize that motherhood had become so all-encompassing for me that the thought of my former life, and who and how I was, had completely left me. I did lose myself a bit, but I think it only becomes a problem when women lose themselves completely.
"Mother" is just one of my identifiers. I'm also a woman, a business owner, a girlfriend, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an artist, a shower singer, a writer, a dirty joker, etc. I love myself most when I'm "mother," and that's okay, but I'm the sum of all my parts.
I think what's most important, as a mom who wants to maintain her identity, is that we are in control and there are things we can do to preserve the other identifiers. If you choose to be a "stay-at-home" mom, you might be feeling some of these strains:
1. Your whole life revolves around your kids.
2. You've stopped putting effort into your appearance, or are lacking in self care.
3. You have less freedom than you did before.
4. You've either abandoned your career, put it on the back burner, or it's changed.
5. You're lonely.
If this sounds like you, then you're not alone. Any mom who says none of these apply to her is full of shiznat and is trying to make a name for herself on social media. No major transition, like becoming a mother, leaves your life unaltered. There will be growing pains.
But there are things we can do, and should do. Here's how to get started so you aren't living alone with cats and a bunch of kids who hate you. If that's you then thank you for reading my blog and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings (but it's never too late).
1. Find something YOU like to do, and find time to do it.
Do you have a hobby? Was there something you loved to do, like running, or dancing, or singing, or making papier mache molds of people you dislike...? Why can't you do it anymore? You can. Go and do it. Maybe your kid(s) will see that it makes you happy and will even want to join. You might not be able to drop everything on a whim and take a weekend trip to Cali, but you can make a freakin' bird house without ruining anyone's life.
2. Make time for your friends, and your partner.
If you want your children to have beautiful relationships with their peers, and one day a happy partnership, then lead by example. You aren't doing your kid(s) any favors by letting those relationships die. You need to get out and mingle with adults so you aren't cutting your friend's steak (she broke her arm) into itty bitty bites like she's four (yes, I did that this weekend). Human beings need these relationships, and we're doing ourselves a disservice by ignoring that in the name of motherhood.
3. Take care of and pride in yourself.
The one positive about self care and motherhood is that you do cut down on the diva a bit. I used to not go out in public without clean hair and make-up on and now it's unlikely that I'll have clean hair or makeup on unless I have plans. But I do make plans. I do shave my legs (not in the winter -- that's ridiculous), and pluck my eye brows, and whiten my teeth, and wear fancy perfume. I want my impressionable daughter to know that women are dichotomous. We can dress up and be girly and beautiful, but we can also get our hands dirty and go toe-to-toe with the big boys. We can be anything we want. Get enough sleep. Go out on a date when you feel like it, and say "no" to plans when you need a night at home with a good epic fantasy novel and a green tea face mask. Don't cop out and live on hot dogs and chicken nuggets because it's "easier" and the kid(s) "like them." You're a fricken queen! Have something bougie to eat sometimes and recognize that even guilt tastes better in truffle butter.
4. Don't nitpick or compare yourself to other women
Are you worried you're not super mom and you're somehow failing? So you spread yourself too thin? If you love your kids and are always worried you're failing them then you're probably a super mom. The sucky moms don't worry about how well they're parenting. Slow your roll, and recognize that everyone has their struggles. We're all doing our best, and sometimes knowing our limits is the best way to be an effective parent and maintain our identity. So you're not waltzing down wall street in Prada shoes anymore? You made a choice to stay home with your kid. Own it. Or change it. A fulfilled mother, who loves her kid(s), is a good mother.
5. Talk, let go, and engage.
Tell your family and friends when you're struggling. Tell your kid(s) that you are a person, too. You have wants, and needs, and you can't be everything to everybody. Let go of the fact that you can't be everything to everybody. And make sure that whatever you're doing, whether it be a hobby, spending time with friends, focusing on your self, or playing with your kids... that you are fully engaged and placing importance on those moments and relationships.
You're doing great, Moms. You don't have to feel lonely, trapped, jealous, guilty, or frumpy. Be the multifaceted woman you've always been. "Mother" might be your favorite new hat, but it doesn't have to be your only one.
xoxo
Alyssa
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